What kind of a society isn't structured on greed? The problem of social organization is how to set up an arrangement under which greed will do the least harm; capitalism is that system. - Milton Friedman

What kind indeed? Certainly not a prodigious society such as ours. Thanks to Capitalism, the United States is replete with opulence, might, and benevolence.

Guided by the brilliant foresight of Hamilton, manacled by men like Keynes, Galbraith, and FDR, and ultimately granted a refreshing degree of freedom by the heroic intellectual efforts of Rand and Friedman, Adam Smith’s “invisible hand” has wrought a citadel for those wishing to pursue healthy greed, self-interest, and enlightened oppression.

While Capitalism in the United States is still afflicted with the diseases of a mixed economy, government regulation and socialistic tendencies, America’s socioeconomic system is far superior to any rival, past or present.

Yet despite having propelled the human family to the zenith of prosperity, technology, and freedom, American Capitalism has been, and remains, under constant siege.

Vile Communists have waged multiple wars (hot and Cold) against us. Islamofascist terrorists struck at the very heart of our economic freedom when they felled the Twin Towers.

Crazed Latino Leftist leaders espousing frightening notions of nationalization, protectionism, and wealth redistribution are springing up like noxious weeds in our backyard.

And despite their diminished prevalence, domestic entitlement programs and organized labor continue to pose significant threats to the evolution, perpetuation, and proliferation of the American Way.

As denizens of the progenitor and nexus of Capitalism, we Americans have a compelling obligation to remain deeply committed to its preservation, regardless of the human cost.

For years, a host of treasonous bleeding hearts, malcontents, and ne’er do wells have blasphemed against our inimitable economic system.

Thanks primarily to American Capitalism, ours is the greatest nation that has ever been. We are the leaders of the free world and the guardians of humanity. It is incumbent upon us, as Americans, to wield our economic power in such a way that we subdue our inferiors humanely.

If you feel your faith or dedication begin to waver, simply imagine how barren, dismal, and primitive the world would be without the United States and all things American.

Millions of barbarians would still be wasting the abundant resources of Turtle Island. Living foolishly austere lives whilst surrounded by acres of virgin timber, vast expanses of uncultivated land, and nearly innumerable untapped mines and oil reserves, so-called “Native Americans” were anachronisms whose time had come.

Our predecessors made the right move in taming the savage wilderness and nearly eradicating those horrid aboriginals.

Black Americans would still be languishing in the jungles, deserts, and savannahs of Africa. Besides the obvious benefits they derived by escaping their miserable existences on the Dark Continent, self-proclaimed “African Americans” can bask in the glory of their ancestors’ contributions to the accumulation of vast riches by the United States.

Captains of industry like Rockefeller and Carnegie would never have arisen from “rags to riches” had it not been for American Capitalism’s casteless system.

Had we been deprived of the inspiration such great men engender, the mammoth companies they so lovingly nurtured, and the charity they so altruistically bestowed (upon undeserving wretches lacking the gumption to work hard), wistful frowns would permanently etch themselves upon our grim countenances.

Chaos and incompetence would rule in a world deprived of a system that has enabled Social Darwinism to flourish.

Survival of the fittest is the natural order. If God had intended the economically, intellectually, and morally challenged to continue polluting the human gene pool, he would not have created crack, AIDS, wars, gangs, or starvation.

Through cutting entitlements, implementing draconian laws targeting the poor and minorities, privatizing the penal system, and initiating peace actions in nations like Iraq, those of us who work hard and play by the rules can accelerate natural selection.

Without American Capitalism, it is unlikely that we would derive profit from health care. How absurd that a rational human being would even entertain the notion of placing people before profits.

Creating the most technologically advanced health care system in the world (while limiting access for tens of millions of Americans) is perhaps the most ingenious aspects of our economic scheme.

While at first blush this may sound a bit callous, consider that the resulting higher infant mortality rates and shorter life spans occur primarily amongst the disposable segments of our society.

Ultimately, the only good that comes from tolerating these undesirables is that they provide us with soldiers for our armies of peace.

Envisage the tragic consequences of our precious children trudging through wretched childhoods devoid of the beaming countenance of Ronald McDonald enrapturing them with glorious meals accompanied by intriguing little toys and what-nots.

To keep the engines of American Capitalism humming, our youth must recognize that immediate gratification and satiation of desire represent the bedrock principles of our spirituality.

In America, passing through the Golden Arches as one of the “billions served” is more than a mere dining experience. It is a rite of passage.

Think of the existential melancholia that would permeate our collective being without the bliss of the Yule Season.

Skipping mortgage payments, maximizing credit cards, and venting anger in justified fits of “shopper’s rage”, ‘tis the season for Americans to experience the existential ecstasy of acquiring more “stuff”.

It may sound magnanimous to mouth the platitude that it is better to give than to receive, but we all know the inverse to be true. And where would the economic envy of the world be without Christmas retail sales?

Despite the plethora of gifts bestowed upon the world by American Capitalism, have we established a utopian planet? Of course not. Achieving the difficult is our specialty, but even the mighty United States cannot accomplish the impossible.

Overpopulation is rampant due to a fundamental lack of personal responsibility amongst the lower classes. Climate change appears to be accelerating thanks to the actions of a few rogue industries.

Evil rogue nations are developing nuclear weapons. Israel remains under siege by Palestinian terrorists. Collateral damage caused by our valiant efforts to maintain peace has unjustly besmirched our reputation as a beneficial superpower.

However, history has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that American Capitalism will continue to motivate our best and brightest to sustain humanity’s beacon of hope in an increasingly frightening and chaotic world. Even if that world ceases to exist.

Stephen Hawking recently advocated the colonization of other planets. God granted Man dominion over Earth. Yet despite our good stewardship, this tiny celestial body is failing to meet the growing demands spawned by our highly evolved socioeconomic system.

Which is why our Maker created a whole universe of planets to provide for our needs. It is only a matter of time before our innovative and pioneering nation finds us a new home and gets us there.

As American Capitalism has evolved over the years, the United States has acquired and nurtured the immense power of incomparable technological prowess, colossal multinational corporations, unparalleled wealth, and unrivalled military strength.

However, jealousy, envy, and resentment fester like infected wounds and cause many to hate our great nation. It is imperative that we not grow complacent or take our status as the world’s sole superpower for granted.

Pressing onward against the dark forces threatening to extinguish our freedom and prosperity, we must stoke the flames of our passion.

There is no shame in pursuing acquisitiveness, our happiness at the expense of others, and compassionate coercion of the less fortunate. These are distinctly American virtues. Embrace them.

And God bless America!

Jason Miller/Thomas Paine's Corner

tags: capitalism  ideology  market forces  survival  fittest  satire  

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