I Have a Problem

I'm a straight male and I love my fiancée. She's perfect. But while I am physically attracted to her, I find myself masturbating rather than having sex with her.

She knows, but we don't talk about it—we can't—and recently she walked in on me, and it was very awkward. I put it away and she pretended she didn't see.

At first I just assumed I was masturbating because I was prone to romantic "dry spells" and was used to taking care of things myself.

But at this point, she's sleeping in the other room and I'm quietly jerking it, knowing that I could have her. We don't have sex much and I think it's hurting our relationship.

Right-Handed Man

If you and the fiancée are too embarrassed, immature, or ashamed to discuss the state of your sex lives—your preference for your right hand, your lack of a strong sexual connection, what she saw and when she saw it—then you're not ready for marriage, RHM. Period.

If you can't communicate openly and successfully about sex now, when you're merely engaged, you're going to find these issues impossible to confront after marriage permanently raises the stakes.

All you risk now is a relatively uncomplicated, if emotionally traumatic, end to an engagement. After marriage, you're both going to be acutely aware that a Big Talk about your sex life carries the risk of a big, messy, humiliating divorce.

Oh, and speaking of poor communication skills: I couldn't help but notice that you neglected to ask me a single question.

You gave me the facts—you could have her, but you're jerkin' it; she's aware of it, but you don't talk about it—but you didn't ask for help, advice, or anything at all. So I'm guessing that you're the one with communication issues here, RHM, not your fiancée.

And what's with the passive voice? You "find [yourself] masturbating." How does that work exactly? You jump into a time machine, travel to your bathroom an hour in the future, and discover your future self jerking it?

Sorry, RHM, but masturbation isn't something that happens to you—it's not a tax audit or a flat tire or a meteor strike. It's something you decide to do.

And here's why you're deciding to masturbate when you could be banging away at the fiancée: You're an insecure bag of slop. When you masturbate, RHM, you're in total control.

You can fantasize about whatever you like and, just as importantly, you don't have to take any responsibility for your partner's pleasure, nor do you have to risk failure.

Masturbation allows you to have orgasms free of any performance anxiety—after all, only schizophrenics experience performance anxiety when they jerk it.

Here's what you need to do, RHM: First step, admit you have a problem—not to me, to her. Then refrain from masturbating. Just don't do it.

Refrain from beating off until you've broken your dysfunctional jerk-and-regret cycle, commit to only having orgasms in her presence, and initiate long, open-ended conversations about your turn-ons, her turn-ons, your sexual expectations, her sexual expectations.

Masturbation will, of course, be part of your adult married life. All men masturbate—single, dating, married, divorced—but a man who prefers masturbation over sex at all times isn't husband material, RHM; he's ex-husband material.

In the meantime, enjoy the photos I've enclosed to further your right-handed activity.

tags: sex advice  masturbation  photos  

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