The Big Lewinsky: Oral Sex Can Cause Cancer
Scroll down for Monica Lewinsky story - 'Tongue in Cheek"What even Leviticus failed to proscribe, medical research now looks set to ruin for all of us. Several recent international studies have provided evidence of a link between mouth cancer and one of the many unedifying strains of the human papilloma virus - a virus that can be spread by oral sex.
The latest study is by Kerstin Rosenquist at the Malmo University faculty of odontology in Sweden. The dentist and researcher found that 36% of the 132 individuals with mouth cancer she tested were carrying HPV, compared with 1% of her control group.
Her results back up the findings of a larger study last year by a team at Johns Hopkins University school of medicine.
They found that among patients with mouth cancer who tested positive for HPV, the virus was more common in those who had had multiple sexual partners or oral sex.
A French study found that patients with oral cancer and HPV were also more likely to be connoisseurs of cunnilingus and fellatio, reporting three times the rate of such activity as those without the virus.
Unlike the Johns Hopkins team, however, who deemed the risk uncovered by their research too low to warrant recommending that people change their behaviour, Rosenquist has said that people "should avoid oral sex".
Before oncologists and dental dam manufacturers are besieged by panicking hordes, a few facts should be borne in mind: namely, that the risk of contracting oral cancer via any means is low (about one in 10,000 people will develop the disease), and that by far the greatest risk factors remain oral fixations of another kind; smoking and heavy drinking.
Nevertheless, the studies were prompted largely by the increasing prevalence of the disease in young people, which could not be explained by decades of sucking down tobacco fumes and booze, with many researchers speculating that a link between oral sex, HPV transmission and the illness would be the most likely explanation for it.
So the best advice would seem to be to join with the organic food movement and not eat anything unless you are in possession of certified documentation as to its provenance.
MONICA LEWINSKY FRANCHISES HER TALENTSMonica Lewinsky, former lover of United States President William Jefferson (Bill) Clinton has received the cruelest of punishments.
As a child, she was told by her mother, "If you keep making that face, it will stick that way." It did. Lewinsky now suffers form facial paralysis. Her speech is garbled, but can still be understood if one listens carefully.
When asked last week what plans she had for the future, Monica answered that, "I'm not sure what I'll do with my life now. I only know one job that I am prepared to do with my mouth frozen this way. I've been pretty successful in that area in the past. Maybe I can branch out and begin training others in this also."
That idea sparked a new franchise revolution on Wall Street. "Learn Lewinskys from Lewinsky" has in seven days become the most successful franchise business industry since Subway Restaurants.
"Growth numbers are phenomenal," said Dick Bulger of the New York Stock Exchange Business Report. "Everyone seems to be turning to this new profession as a way to make easy money.
"Monica's how-to book for housewifes, girlfriends, and mistresses will probably go to number one on the charts when it is published next month. It seems like everyone wants to get it straight from the mouth of Lewinsky.""We also foresee dress sales going up with this. Early reports also show increases by drug and discount stores in the sale of mouthwash and toothpaste."
"We have also heard speculation that the former President wants to cash in on this. He is reportedly doing an info-mercial called "How To Make the Most of Getting Your Lewinsky.""
When asked how he felt about his last name now being associated with this act and business, Davis Lewinsky of Denver, Colorado was not happy.
"I'm not related to Monica, but that does not matter to people. You would not believe the propositions that my wife and my daughters receive every day when someone learns their name.
"If I let my girls go ahead and set up their own business on the side, their college funds would be filled up in weeks and they would have the hottest cars on campus."
"Sure, my wife and I sometimes share that pleasure on our own, but she doesn't need to learn anything from Monica and is not going to market it to the masses. "
For information on purchasing a Lewinsky franchise, a small test is required to see if one has the proper natural aptitude and ability.
All our male reporters have been trained in critiquing this ability. Contact any of them for a free test and they will allow you to demonstrate your talents to see if you qualify.
